


On the Edge of the Night

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Blow Jobs, Cheating, Consent Issues, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Has Issues, Family Issues, Gender Issues, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, Identity Issues, Internalized Homophobia, Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Chronological, Other, POV Multiple, Physical Abuse, Public Blow Jobs, Relationship Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Medication, Sex, Shame, Substance Abuse, Triggers, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2019-11-18 09:17:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 9,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18117833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: love’s such an old fashioned wordand love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night(Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure)The tags will be updated as I go. I have no idea where this is going, so please keep checking them. And the notes, too. (I should have tagged just "Issues" and get it over with.)Short summary: Isak is a dick, because reasons. Everybody hurts.The chapters are teeny tiny, as the word count can tell. Nothing like little snacks of angst and smut to keep the day going!Notes edited on Apr 11th! Figured out what I want to do with this story and how I can get there.





	1. Even - Current Day

**Author's Note:**

> Whoo boy. Okay. I officially declare this fic a danger zone until its completion. Like all construction sites, this calls for caution when entering.
> 
> There will be heavy angst, themes of domestic violence, and lost boys. I'll try to make up for that with hot smut.
> 
> I will not, absolutely not, depict a rape scene or imply past rape. No rape related content.
> 
> I'm pretty sure nobody will die, either. Let's say nobody dies. No deaths here, promise.
> 
> The perpetrator of the abuse is an original character. Sort of. It's complicated.
> 
> I think I figured out how to make this endgame! I'm old and sappy these days, I long for hope.
> 
> In short (HAH, TOO LATE), this story will explore Isak, Jonas and Even from high school to adulthood. There will be no good people here. Nor bad people. Just people. Every protagonist is also an antagonist, and themselves are their greatest enemies.
> 
> There will be laughs, light and hope mixed in. Like swirls of salted caramel sauce in ice cream. Except the ice cream is angst.
> 
> PS. Any comments are welcome! <3 (Well, no nasty things! Unless they're fun-nasty. You know the difference.)

It was just an ordinary night. Even got home late, as usual, took his shirt off - he hated the way it clinged on his skin - and sunk in his armchair to read. Or, more like pretend to read. He ran his eyes over the rows of letters over and over again, skipped a couple of pages here and there only to return to them a moment later. It wasn’t an act of reading, it was an exercise of finding meaning. If a certain word was something he returned to over and over again, he knew it had something to tell him.

When someone knocked on his door he didn't bother with getting properly dressed. He knew who it would be. He just stood up and walked to answer the door.

Just as Even thought, it was him. He stood behind Even’s door and looked guilty and defeated, like he had lost yet another battle with himself. Which he had. They both knew he didn't really want these things to happen but couldn't help it. Couldn't stop them from happening.

"I had to come," he said and bit his lower lip.

"I know," Even replied and wrapped his arms around him. "You've lost weight again." Even knew his body too well, he felt even the slightest of changes. And there had been a lot of changes in that body over these years.

"I have not." He pressed himself against Even and tried to drown into Even’s skin. Or into love, that poor thing. Always too hungry, never got enough. Not out of greed, no, but out of never-satisfied needs. Love, intimacy, the feeling that you are wanted. The basic stuff, he had been craving for them all his life. The things he still came to get from Even. Even guessed he got at least some of what he came for. He always smiled when he left.

Even brushed his fingers against his lips.

"Yes, you have, precious. Don't argue with me."

And he didn't, at least not verbally. The nipping his teeth did to Even’s ear were very much argumentative, if you asked Even, but Even let him be and do as he pleased. The least he could do, right? Even tilted his head to the side and received those hungry lips, the tentative teeth. He had no reason to worry about bruises, either, he had nobody to hide them from.

Even wrapped his arms around him and pulled him further in the apartment. His feet knew this dance, he didn’t need to focus on where he was going. Where they were going. Even could focus just on him, on this poor wreck washing up on his shore. Soon enough the tide would be pulling him back out again, but just like the tide, he would always return.

“Do you love me?” he asked, as his lips crossed over to the other side of Even’s neck. Even touched his back lightly, right between the shoulder blades.

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

It was true. Even did love him. He had always loved this man, ever since he was still a boy and everything was equally complicated as today, but in different ways.

It was sort of a tragedy that his love didn’t really make a difference.

Then again, everything was sort of a tragedy.

And he was here now.

Even stroked his cheek and tilted his head a bit up. They didn’t look into each other’s eyes anymore. They hadn’t done that in years. Even wasn’t sure which one of them had been the first one to look away.

Even didn’t ask did he love him back.

He just kissed him.


	2. Jonas - Way Back

In general, Jonas wasn’t the sort of guy who noticed things. Or, to be more precise, he didn’t take notice on things that seemed hard, or awkward, or tricky. It was sort of his philosophy, really: life was exactly as tough as you made it.

That, of course, didn’t stop him from making his own life tougher than necessary. Mistakes had been made, and would be repeated, but in general, Jonas liked to call himself rather laid back and more drama free than average.

Isak’s obvious, badly hidden and worse handled crush on him didn’t fit in that picture at all.

So, Jonas didn’t think about it. He didn’t think about it so hard, that he ended up sort of flirting with Isak on a daily basis. Jonas had tried to ask girls how you friendzone someone, but the most useful he had gotten in response had been hissy remarks about how no girl owed any boy sex. Educational, yes, but not really helpful with this problem. Their friendship was steering off the zone and well into bromance land, and Jonas feared he was just one drink too much and one bad decision away from hurting Isak real bad.

Did Jonas love that boy? To bits.

But he didn’t have a crush on him.

Well. Maybe.


	3. Isak - Back When

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: domestic abuse

Isak closes the door behind him. He leans the back of his head against it and closes his eyes. The apartment is dark. The blinds are covering the windows, like always. Bear doesn’t like to be seen. People laugh at him, he growled when he pulled the curtains in front of the blinds, and Isak had no way of convincing Bear that he was wrong. Bear knew better. He always knows.

“Where were you?”

Isak jumps at the low, dark voice. His hand goes for the light switch but Bear doesn’t like that at all.

“Stop that. It’s fine as it is.”

Isak pulls his hand back. He tries to force a smile on his lips, but it’s so heavy he can’t lift it.

“Where were you?” Bear asks again. He doesn’t like it when he has to ask twice. Isak flinches.

“Out.”

“Who with?”

“Just some friends. You don’t know them.” It is true. Bear doesn’t know any of Isak’s friends. They haven’t been introduced. They are from different worlds. Isak’s friends would not accept Bear, and Bear would hate his friends.

Isak sees teeth flash in the dark. He brushes his hair behind his ears with nervous, twitchy strokes.

“You know they just pretend to like you, right?”

Isak wraps his arms around himself. He presses his shoulders down and forward.

“Please don’t say that.”

“You know it without saying, you stupid bitch!”

Bear is angry. Isak can hear its claws scratch the floor as it starts pacing back and forth. He tries to keep himself from flinching. Bear hates it when Isak seems afraid. Bear is so strong that it can’t understand weakness, and what Bear doesn’t understand, Bear wants to destroy.

“Look, I’m here now, okay?”

“You’re going to leave me!” Bear roars. It leaps towards Isak, and Isak can’t stop his reflex in time. He backs down, his lower back hits the drawer, and he yelps.

“You’re scared of me? I’ve been with you all these years and you’re still  _ frightened _ by me?”

Isak tries to reason with Bear. He tries to explain that he isn’t scared, that he isn’t leaving, that Bear is everything he knows and he needs Bear more than anything else.

Bear doesn’t listen.


	4. Isak - Way Back

Isak pulled his legs closer to his chest. He was holding his biology textbook against his knees so that the back cover was facing the door and his phone was laying flat on the page in front of him. He had his earbuds on, but no music was playing. He was listening, frantically, to the sounds of the house outside the sanctuary of his room. He could not get caught doing this. He would not.

It was a bit awkward to operate his phone with his left hand, but he needed to hold the book up. Isak stared at the screen, at the blank space with a blinking cursor, and at the button under it. They wanted a name. He couldn’t use his real name. Isak chose the first name he could think of, the only name.

Lena: Hello! Welcome to the chat. Is there something you would like to talk about?

Isak looked at the cursor beckoning him to come clean. To confess. Confession was a sacrament for a reason, wasn’t it?

Lena: It’s ok to be nervous. I promise you, I will not laugh or yell at you.

He really should have thought this through better. He should have written his confession beforehand. Most of these chat services showed the recipient what the customer was typing, so Isak needed to get this done with one single take.

Lena: Are you there?

Jonas: I’m gay

Seeing it on his screen made Isak slam the book closed over his phone. It wasn’t true. Jonas was not, definitely not, the least bit gay, and that just made everything so much worse. Isak bit the inside of his cheek as hard as he dared without breaking the skin. He had once done that and developed a horrible blister.

Isak opened the book slowly. Right before the screen went black Isak saw Lena’s reply.

Lena: Don’t worry, you’re not. You’re just lost. We can help you find your way to God.

Isak saw his own image on the dark screen, and he knew, deep in his black wicked heart, that nobody could help him.

He shoved the phone in his pocket.


	5. Even - Current Day

“Say it again. Please.”

“I love you”, Even mumbled against his mouth. “I love you so much, precious.”

He tilted his head up, revealing his bare neck to Even. Even followed the unspoken order and kissed his Adam’s apple gently, then flicked his tongue along his pulse line. It made him sigh and shiver.

“But why?”

Even paused. Just for a moment. He used that time to squirm out of his shirt, presenting his bare chest to Even. He couldn’t understand Even’s love, but he understood Even’s lust clearly. That was a language they both had always been fluent in.

“You want me to explain love to you?”

He grabbed Even’s shirt and yanked it off.

“I want you to fuck me so hard I forget my name.”

Even chuckled. He wasn’t really happy, but at least he was off the hook.

“That I can do.”

“Tell me you love me again.”

“I love you, precious.”

He grabbed Even’s belt and unbuckled it. His hands were hasty and grasping, hands of a drowning man.

“Make me believe you.”


	6. Jonas - Way Back

Magnus came into the kitchen and raided the fridge.

“Sorry bro, I got the last one”, Jonas said, waving the beer bottle in the air a bit. He had half emptied it already.

“What! Rude!”

“Well it is  _ my _ beer, so.”

“Exactly! Hogging the last beer makes you a rude host.”

Mahdi took a sip of his beer, the second to last one.

“He’s got a point, man.”

“Et tu, Mahdi”, Jonas laughed. He looked around. “Where’s Isak?”

“In the living room”, Magnus said, “playing spin the bottle with all the girls. If you ask me, they should just save themselves the trouble and line up to kiss him.”

Magnus sounded jealous. He probably was, too. Jonas decided to soothe his pain and generously donated the remains of his bottle to Mags.

“There’s no reason to let him have all the fun.”

Jonas pushed the bottle in Magnus’ hands and went to the living room. He made himself room in the circle, opposite to Isak, and sat down. The girl who had been kissing Isak retreated on her spot and Isak saw Jonas had joined them. He didn’t say anything, just grabbed the bottle and made it spin.

It spun round and round.

When it stopped it was pointing at Jonas. The girls looked at him. Then they looked at Isak. Jonas looked at him too, and his eyebrow twitched the slightest bit.

Isak got up and left the living room, mumbling something about taking a piss. Jonas stayed in the circle, grabbed the bottle and sent it spinning


	7. Jonas - Way Back

The party died when the people who were old enough or had good enough fake IDs decided to go clubbing. Jonas decided to stay, because he was the host, and Isak stayed because Jonas stayed, and eventually Magnus fell asleep in the bathtub. Isak shoved a cushion under his head and draped a towel over him while Jonas held on to the doorframe so it wouldn’t fall over. It was important work. It could have split Isak’s skull.

“He looks comfy enough.”

Isak grinned. It was good to see, a real positive emotion on Isak’s face. They had become a rare breed.

“He’s going to be so dead when he wakes up. Can’t wait.”

Jonas nodded.

“Let’s let him sleep. Come on, I have one more beer stashed away. We can split it.”

Everyone else was gone. They were alone, and tired, partied out, drunk and a tiny bit high. This moment, this half an hour they would have together before passing out, was the best part of the whole evening. Jonas was happy to share it with Isak.

Jonas took the shaker from the fridge and popped it open. He took the can of beer out, smirking.

“Still here”, Jonas said, turning around, just to see Isak wasn’t. “..Isak?”

Isak’s foot waved from under the table. Jonas bent over and peeked under there. Yep, that was Isak. Jonas handed the beer over to him and then followed him, crawling under the table as well.

“I have heard of dancing on the tables.”

“I like it here”, Isak said. “It’s smaller.”

Jonas looked around. Isak was right. It was smaller under here. Everything was, including them. Sometimes Jonas missed being smaller himself, just playing Fifa and hanging out with Isak, the times when their greatest worry was passing math.

They took turns, sipping the beer away bit by bit. They didn’t speak, just passed the can until Isak poured the last drops in his open mouth.

Isak held the empty can in his hands. He watched it intently, like he was trying to force it to fill up again with the power of his will. Jonas decided to try and help him in that effort. He focused on the can, and watched it closely, not even blinking.

He watched it travel in Isak’s hand down on the floor. He watched it spin, round and round, and when it stopped the hole on top of it stared at him like a black eye.

Jonas looked up just in time to catch Isak’s lips with his own.


	8. Isak - Back When

It’s mid July, and the heat wave isn’t letting go of Oslo. The squad hit the beach once again, in a vain search for some coolness. Isak tried to stay at home, but Jonas was persisting enough to make him join them. Besides, this is a great chance to see Jonas in his swimwear. He has a beautiful tan, and a great body, and as Isak presses himself against it behind the closed ice cream kiosk he is happy he came.

Isak vinces as Jonas wraps his arms around him and pulls him closer. The bruises Bear left on his back are still painful. He would get more tonight. Just what he deserves for doing this with Jonas. But he needs this. He has to have this.

“Please don’t”, Isak whispers hastily while pushing Jonas’ hands away. “Just let me touch you.”

Jonas doesn’t seem pleased, but he lets Isak have his way. He always does. Jonas rests his hands against the wall boards behind his back and opens up his chest for Isak to explore. Isak runs his fingers along that tanned skin. He brushes off a couple of grains of sand stuck to it. He presses his mouth against it and can taste the salt, the wind, the sunscreen. Jonas is so beautiful.

They don’t have much time. They are supposedly on a beer run, but they snuck back here the first chance they got. It’s nice, in the shade. Isak is wearing the lightest clothes he has that still cover his body, claiming he needs that extra protection from the sun, and it is so, so hot. Isak is panting against Jonas’ chest. He drops down on his knees on the sand, running his mouth on the skin all the way down.

Jonas is hard. Isak can feel it against his cheek. He strokes the tanned thighs with his both hands. They are so strong. No girl Isak’s ever been with has legs like this. Isak pushes his mouth against the inner thigh, he buries his nose against the bulge in the speedo and takes a deep breath. God, he missed this smell.

“Issy..” Jonas pushes his fingers in Isak’s hair. Isak nods. Jonas stifles a soft moan the rubbing pulls out of him. “Hurry.”

Yes. They don’t have much time. Anyone could see them, at any time. This is dangerous. It turns Isak on so bad. He grabs the speedo and pulls it out of the way, and as soon as Jonas’ thick, dark dick emerges he hides it inside his mouth.

“Ohhhh fuck Issy -- fuck!”

Jonas bites his own arm to keep quiet. Isak does his best to make that difficult for him. Every little sound he pulls out of Jonas feels electric. They make his arms and legs tingle. They make him feel alive. Bear doesn’t want him, but Jonas does. Jonas does.

Isak takes him deeper in his mouth. He rubs that dick with his tongue, he presses it flat against it so he can touch it as much as possible. To taste it as much as possible. Isak lets the flavor fill his mouth, fill his being, he closes his eyes and sucks harder. He wants to be filled completely by this dick. He wants to become nothing but a vessel for it.

He buries the toes of his sneakers in the cool sand. He buries his face in the dark hair at the root of Jonas’ dick. He needs this. He needs this so bad. Jonas is a fucking angel for giving this to him. He knows, Isak is sure he knows about Bear and about the others and still he lets Isak do this. He lets Isak be.

Jonas sounds so good when he comes. He makes low grunting moans, one for each wave of passion pulling his muscles. Isak presses his palm against Jonas’ abs, they feel so good. Isak wants to stay here forever.

He can’t. Jonas comes, his orgams passes and then they’re pulled back to the reality. Where Isak is on his knees in the cool sand, behind a kiosk, barely out of sight. The sounds of kids playing on the beach fill their ears, the eyes of a seagull flying over them seem to be judging them for their deed. Isak pulls the speedo back in its place and gets up on his feet.

They kiss. Briefly, short of breath.

“I don’t feel too good. Must be all the sun. I should get home.”

Jonas nods. He looks concerned, but he doesn’t say anything.

He lets Isak be.


	9. Even - Way Back

Even fell for the boy the second he saw him. Those scared but defiant green eyes, the stubborn curl pushing its way out over the strap of his snapback to his forehead, the tightly pursed lips and deeply furrowed brow. Even’s jaw literally dropped open when he watched the boy pass him, occupied by his obviously intense phone call. He walked by, and Even followed him with his eyes until he couldn’t see him anymore.

“Even? Hello?”

Even blinked. He turned to look at his current company and flashed an apologetic smile. He said he was sorry, and asked them to repeat themselves, and went on not listening to a word they said. All he could hear was music.


	10. Even - Current Day

Even stepped out of his jeans and backed down to the bedroom, his arms wrapped around him tightly. He was kissing Even so hard again, almost violently, he was desperate to drown into this. Into Even. He had always been like that, and most of times Even had been able to receive him.

Now he was.

Even kissed his shoulder. His collarbone. His chest, his upper abdomen, his belly button. Even fell on his knees in front of him. He pushed his fingers in Even’s hair, he raised his face up toward the ceiling and gasped. Even loved his gasps. He always sounded like he had spent hours underwater and was now finally able to breathe.

“Want to fuck me in the mouth?”

He looked down.

“Like a bitch?”

Even nodded.

“Go as hard as you need to.”

“You sure?”

“Just go for it. I’m here for you, precious.”

As he grabbed Even’s hair with both hands Even closed his eyes and opened his mouth.


	11. Isak - Back When

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: domestic violence

Isak almost thinks Bear isn’t home. But of course it is. It always is. The moment Isak steps in his apartment and closes the door he hears Bear’s breathing. He can hear growling.

“Does he know you’re cheating with him?”

“Stop.”

Isak pulls his shirt off. It’s so hot in here, and nobody else is here but him and Bear. He can let his bruises show. Bear beat his back black and blue the other night, and moving around still hurts a bit. Isak didn’t know there was still a bar of soap in the apartment. Isak tried to throw it away but Bear didn’t let him, and now it’s sitting in its cup on the bathroom sink and looks like a perfectly normal thing to have around. It makes Isak’s stomach churn every time he sees it.

“Does he know you are a pathetic slut?”

Isak doesn’t answer. Like it would work. Like it would ever work. Bear jumps up again, flashing its teeth.

“Say it!”

Isak swallows the lump in his throat down. It lands in the bottom of his belly with a thud and stays there, a cold, hard weight.

“I’m a pathetic slut.”

“I can’t hear you!”

Isak closes his eyes. The lump in his belly is pressing against his diaphragm, and he can barely breathe. He has to speak in short bursts, the air runs out otherwise.

“I am. A pathetic. Little. Slut.”

“And?”

Isak tries to escape in the kitchen. Bear does not like that. Isak hears its claws scrape the floor, with purposefully long and hard strokes. He can’t really see through his tears anymore, but his hearing is perfect.

“Is your mouth blistered by all the dicks that have chafed it lately?”

Isak can’t stop himself from laughing. Bear is being absurd. But if Bear hates something, it’s laughing. One swift sweep and Isak’s legs give in under him. He falls on the kitchen floor.

“Please! Don’t!”

Bear shoves him on his back and pushes the tip of a claw through his skin. It draws a curved line, and Isak is so upset it doesn’t really even hurt. He just stares at the thin line of red forming a letter.

S

Isak tries to get up. Bear doesn’t let him.


	12. Isak - Way Back

Isak turned the volume up two notches more. His ears were already hurting, and the merciless thump of the bass made his guts jump at every beat, but it wasn’t enough. He could still hear Jonas in his head.

_ Issy _

_ Issy _

_ Issy are you okay? _

_ Issy please come back _

_ Issy, wait _

Isak closed his eyes and pressed his palms over the earbuds. He pushed them deeper in his ears, forcing the wall of music into his head. He had to push Jonas out of there, and he didn’t know how, but he absolutely had to try anything.

He did try anything.

Vodka. Pills. Hairspray, lighter fluid, hot showers, cold showers, blades.

Prayer.

The song ended and the short pause of silence made Isak realize how loud the music had been. That split second of understanding slashed him open and gutted him like a fish, and when the next song hit his head with full force Isak yanked the earbuds off his ears, pushed his head over the edge of the bed and threw up on the floor. His head was killing him. His ears were ringing. His sinuses were full of sharp tiny shards of fries.

_ Issy don’t go _


	13. Jonas - Back When

Isak would kill Jonas if he knew Jonas had pictures of him in his phone. Not regular, instagram-appropriate snapshots, no, but something more..risque. One can’t tell it’s Isak, not from the pictures, they are taken so his face is never visible. They are taken in secret. Jonas knows he’s kind of a dick to have taken them, but he needs them to make it through the day. The three little moles just above his hip bone, the ones Jonas loves to connect with the tip of his tongue. The curve of his spine, arching first inward and then back out, to blend into the mounds of his buttocks. The back of his thigh, that one spot where the skin is so smooth it’s almost surreal.

Isak is in the details, Jonas thinks, his phone in his hand. He exists only in short flashes, these near violent bursts, when he lets himself go. In those moments he is the most beautiful thing Jonas has ever seen in his life. The most beautiful boy, the only boy. Jonas has only ever even kissed just one boy.

He can’t wait to kiss him again.


	14. Even - Back When

Even flattens his tongue against his stomach. He licks the skin in long, slow strokes, making a soft circle. He is spelling, and even correctly, which is not a small feat considering the fact he has a naked man squirming under him, his hard dick digging into Even’s collarbone. Even can’t wait to taste it, but he has to do this first.

“Almost done”, Even hums, reassuringly. Even grabs him from the hips, gently but firmly, beckoning him to stay still. The U is a tricky one to lick, if you don’t want to use the underside of your tongue.

Even takes his time with the S. He runs his tongue along the skin as slow as he can, savouring the taste of it. He crosses over the tiny ridges of scab. He can’t erase the letters, but he can rewrite on top of them, disregarding the sighing, grunting objections of the man under him. Even is doing this. This is important. He draws the S carefully and with every ounce of love that he has, then he raises his face and looks up.

“There. That’s better.”

“What does it say?”

“Precious.”

He tries to object, but Even slides down and slips his dick into his mouth. That shuts him up, turning words into moans. A beautiful translation.


	15. Even - Current Day

Even pushed his chin a bit more forward, to straighten the path for the dick pounding into his mouth. His eyes were closed and he kept breathing through his nose, nice and easy, allowing his body to receive everything it was given. Every inch. All the way down.

Even was relieved that he didn’t shove it in his throat. Even didn’t mind deep throating him, not at all, but this level of anger and violence didn’t suit for that. His thrusts were so hard that Even would probably bruise at the back of his mouth. It was okay.

Even was happy to do this.

Whatever helped.

When Even heard silent, suffocated sobs he spread his tongue flatter against the underside.

When Even felt the hands in his hair tremble he sucked harder. He sucked until his cheeks were hurting and his jaw was sore, and as he felt the warm splash in his throat he kept going until he couldn’t get one more drop out.

Even pulled back and looked up at him.

He turned his face away.


	16. Isak - Way Back

Isak stopped mid-step, spun around, and yes, there he was. The tall boy who had been following him around for two weeks now. The boy whose blue eyes had started to haunt Isak’s restless dreams. Whose lips made Isak’s tingle. This had to stop. Isak couldn’t take any more, pushing Jonas out of his system was enough work on its own. Without a beautiful stranger added to the mix.

Isak walked to the boy.

“Dude, you need to stop this.”

The boy looked at him, raising his brows, his head cocking.

“Excuse me?”

“Stalking someone isn’t cool. It’s harassment.”

Isak brushed his hair behind his ears, but it fell right out again. At least he tried. At least his hands had something to do, other than grabbing his fingers and twisting his joints until they screamed loud enough to drown Jonas’ voice.

“Stalking?”

Isak huffed. He was not amused.

“You keep following me around. I don’t want you to. Please stop.”

The boy pretended to be shocked. But he was really, really bad at it.

“Look”, Isak sighed, “just tell me what you want.”

He grinned. Isak’s stomach curled up into a knot. Shit.

“Even”, he said, offering his hand to Isak. Isak looked at it and shoved his hair behind his ear.

“Not interested. Stop following me.”

Isak turned around and power walked away. He listened carefully, but Even didn’t follow him.


	17. Jonas - Way Back

It could happen to anyone.

People flirted with their best friend for weeks on end. By accident, or by circumstance, or by chance.

People drank too much, that one night.

People got kisses that weren’t their first but still felt like it. People could suddenly relate to Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White, or any other princess awakened by a prince’s mouth.

People had to take good things and turn them into secrets hidden so deep, that they started to feel like bad things.

People avoided their friends for days to give them space. People hoped that their absence wasn’t screaming so loud to others as it was to themselves.

People looked at pictures of their best friend and desperately tried to unsee their lips, like that would somehow erase the memory of their flavour. Beer, weed, a salty, bitter aftertaste people would furiously wipe on the back of their palm, in a futile attempt to undo.

Sometimes things like that happened.


	18. Isak - Back When

“Don’t go.”

Isak looks at the bed over his shoulder. Even looks so beautiful spread out on it, his skin still glowing from his orgasm. The whole room smells like sex, like Even’s skin, that’s decorated with bruises and rope burns all over. Isak wants to touch it again, he wants to hear Even hiss softly at the sorest spots.

Even knows. He understands.

Isak pulls his shirt on, covering the writing on his torso. Both Bear’s sharp, hateful handwriting and the invisible ink of Even’s tongue.

“I have to. I’m expected.”

“When will I see you again?”

Isak takes his bag from the floor. He steps to the door and cracks it, stops when he’s halfway out. He looks at Even and flashes him a smile.

“Soon. Take care.”

Isak blows a kiss and disappears, as quickly as his smile.


	19. Jonas - Back When

“You smell like him again.”

Jonas opens his eyes and stops the movement of his hand, the stroke on his wife’s hip. She has her back turned to him, her shoulder blades stick out a bit as she curls up tighter, in a defense and an attack.

“I’m sorry.”

“Who is he?”

Jonas sighs. She always asks that, and the answer she gets is every time the same.

“My first love.”

And like always, she recites her lines, and Jonas his.

“Do you love him?”

“Forever.”

“Why are you with me, then?”

“Because I love you and the life we are building together. Because you love me.”

“Doesn’t he love you?”

“I’m not sure he knows how to.”

“Does he hurt you?”

“He breaks my heart. Repeatedly. Constantly.”

“Why do you let him?”

“The part of me he keeps breaking is the part that belongs to him. It has always been his.”

“I should leave you.”

“Please don’t.”

She moves back, touching his chest with her shoulders. Jonas presses his lips on the back of her neck and just breathes.


	20. Isak - Way Back

Isak sat in silence for the last five minutes of the appointment.

He had nothing more to say. He had come here to get help, and he got nothing useful. He had read somewhere that homosexuality was a psychological disorder, and so he had arranged himself an appointment with a shrink.

It had not gone well. At all.

So Isak just sat here and waited for the appointment to be over. As he did so, he tried to think what he could do next. He hadn’t been able to hurt himself hard enough to chase Jonas out of his head. Or that other boy. Even. He hadn’t been able to pray hard enough. He hadn’t repented enough for God to make him okay, but he didn’t know what more he could do.

He didn’t dare try to get help from the church. He was too ashamed to.

Finally the appointment was over. Isak stood up, took his bag and left. He didn’t shake the shrink’s hand.

The door closed behind him. Isak looked up and saw Even. He was sitting in the waiting room, reading a magazine.

“What the fuck?!”

“Uhm.”

“I’m serious. I will call the fucking cops on you!”

“Hm. Well.”

“This has gone too far! You can’t follow me to the shrink!”

The door opened again. The shrink nodded at Even and told him he could come in. Isak stared at the boy, who just flashed him a smile and got up from the chair. Even shoved the magazine in Isak’s hand as he stepped past him.

“I recommend the article on page 30. I read it every time I come here.”

With that, Even stepped through the door and disappeared. Isak looked at the magazine. He brought it up to his face and sniffed it quickly. Smelled like paper and ink.

He flipped through to page 30. It had a big image on it, of a baby penguin. It was really cute, all chubby and fluffy. Isak sat down, put his bag on the floor and read.


	21. Even - Current Day

“Look at me, precious.”

He stepped back and turned away. He was considering leaving. Even stood up and grabbed his wrist, lightly.

“Please. I will do anything you ask, if you just look at me, once.”

“I can’t.” His voice was so small. It was too small for his frame, really, it sounded too young. “I’m sorry.”

Even let go of him. Like he had done a thousand times before.

“Will you still love me?”

Even wanted to say no. He knew he should have said no, he should have told him to leave and not come back this time.

“Yes.”

He nodded. He stayed.


	22. Isak - Back When

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: domestic violence

Isak comes home from the hotel with a heavy heart. Bear can smell it from the door. Bear knows what he has done.

“She knows.”

Oh, no tentative flashing of the teeth this time. This time Bear sinks them into Isak’s flesh from the get go. The sharp pain makes the air rush out of Isak’s lungs. His mouth twists into a scream but nothing comes out.

“She knows you are his whore. She hates you, and she is right to do so.”

“Stop”, Isak tries to whisper. He curls up on the bed, he covers his head with his arms and he can still smell Jonas on his skin. Warm, wonderful Jonas, who has never felt like anything but safety, Jonas who married someone else than Isak because Isak didn’t let him. He couldn’t let Jonas marry him, he was already married to Bear.

“I bet Jonas hates you too.”

Isak can hear the buckle cling. He bites his teeth together, breathing sharply through his nose. Snot is running down his face, mixing with his tears, he tries to look at Bear in a way that would make it stop but it never does.


	23. Jonas -Way Back

The bell had rung already, but Mags grabbed Jonas’ sleeve on their way inside.

“I need to tell you something”, Magnus said. He looked nervous, he kept glancing around them to make sure nobody noticed them. Jonas slowed down his steps and left behind everyone with Magnus.

“What is it? We’ll be late for class.”

If Magnus hadn’t looked this squirmy Jonas would have asked him to wait until the next break. But this seemed important and difficult, and if Magnus of all people was having trouble speaking his mind about something -- it was worth being late.

Magnus looked around them one last time, then he leaned closer.

“Isak’s not okay.”

Jonas felt week at the knees. His stomach curled up into a tight ball, and the blunt taste of worry felt like metal on his tongue.

“How come?”

Magnus was squirming. He wasn’t comfortable talking about this behind Isak’s back. Neither was Jonas.

“He looks like a ghost. He falls asleep during classes, and he barely touches his food or says anything to any of us. It’s like he’s fading, and I think I know why, and --” Magnus stopped talking, his mouth twisting despite him trying to stop it.

“Mags. Buddy.” Jonas placed his hand on Magnus’ upper arm, trying to catch his eyes with his. “It’s okay. Just tell me.”

Magnus sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

“He’s in love with you.”

Jonas blinked. He tried to unhear what he had just heard, but he couldn’t. Magnus knew something. How? Had he been awake at the party after all?

“No he’s not.”

“I’ve been watching him Jonas. With you. He’s desperate.”

Jonas shook his head. Magnus was wrong. Clean and simple. Wrong.

“I haven’t noticed anything from him. Not even one long look.”

“No. But. It doesn’t look like you think it would.”

“Excuse me?”

Magnus sighed. And shrugged, as if he was trying to make it lighter, what he was about to say.

“You don’t look like you’re in love when you love your best friend way too much. You look -- disappointed. Every time they turn away from you there’s this flash of disappointment and failure, and that’s what I’ve seen on Isak’s face for two weeks now. Every time, Jonas. I’ve been watching. He’s in love with you and it’s killing him.”

Jonas shook his head. What else could he have done?

“You’re mistaken. I know Issy. It’s probably just trouble at home again.” Jonas gave Magnus an encouraging pat on the shoulder. “I’ll have a talk with him. It’ll be alright, don’t you worry.”

Jonas could tell Magnus wanted to object. But he didn’t. His posture deflated, then he readjusted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. He muttered something about being late for class and practically ran away from Jonas.

Jonas decided to skip the class. He had some thinking to do.


	24. Even - Back When

Even opens the door and lets the boy in. Or, well, he’s a man now, has been for a while. Still all Even can occasionally see when he looks at him is a frightened boy, with his dark sad eyes and his tightly pursed lips. Today is one of those days.

“You’ve been crying”, Even says, stating a fact. He knows it’s useless to ask for any details. Isak will not give them. Even would love to know who beats him up so ruthlessly, but he doesn’t ask anymore.

Isak doesn’t ask, either.

They can offer each other something unique: an understanding. Freedom to just be as they are, with no risk. No need to explain. No fear of loss. Ever since they were both just boys, they have sworn to each other everlasting allegiance.

So Even doesn’t say anything when Isak pulls his shirt off and Even can see the imprints of a belt buckle.

Isak doesn’t as much as raise his brow when he sees the long bruises the width of a finger across Even’s back. He simply runs his own fingers between them, pressing on the edges  _ just so _ and making Even feel alive, accepted, seen.

It comes with a price.

Even would love to tell Isak about last night, when some guy whose name Even didn’t bother asking told him about a fantasy where he beat the crap out of his stepbrother as a payback for years of torture, and about how easily Even said  _ yes _ because he always does, because what fucking good is his body if not a vessel for a thousand times yes.

Even would love to tell Isak so many things.

Instead, he kisses him. He presses his hands on his battered skin and makes it hurt, because he knows that’s how Isak wants it. He pushes his touch through the bruises, past them, into the deep tissues and fibres of muscle that make the form that is Isak.

Isak does the same for him.

It is perfect.


	25. Even - Current Day

He wouldn’t look at Even.

That didn’t mean Even couldn’t look at him. He raised his eyes and looked at the man who held his heart in his hands.

He was beautiful.

His eyes were dark, set deep in his head. Near black shadows under them. He was pale as a ghost and frail like a frozen flower. His skin was almost translucent.

Even didn’t dare speak his name. He would have left. So Even kissed him instead, kissed him hard and needy.

“I’ve missed you”, Even mumbled into that kiss. He turned his head away again.

“Shut up already! Fuck!”

It had been a mistake to make him come so soon. Even’s heart was racing. He could not let him leave.

“I’m sorry”, Even said, and lowered his eyes. “Can we just fuck now?”

He looked down, between Even’s legs. His lips turned into a crooked grin, like a fishing hook.

“Stop telling me you love me and make me believe it instead.”

Even didn’t kiss him on the lips this time. He buried his face on the side of his neck, and when he heard the muffled sigh he bit down harder.


	26. Isak - Way Back

Isak yawned so hard it made his jaws hurt. It was way, way too early to be even awake, let alone already at school. But he didn’t want to run into Jonas. He couldn’t, because whenever he saw him he remembered how he tasted. How hungry he was for another bite.

Isak stopped by his locker and opened it. He grabbed his books and pulled them out, when something fell on the floor at his feet. It sounded hard and heavy. Isak looked down and saw a small rock.

He bent down to pick it up. It felt cool in his hand. It was oval shaped, the size of his palm, couple of centimeters thick,  greyish white and smooth all over. It was a really nice rock. And at that thought Isak realized who it was from.

The article he had read in the waiting room had told about two gay penguins in an Australian zoo who had adopted an egg. Penguins courted with pebbles. A male brought the female the nicest pebble he could find, as a starter for a nest. If she appreciated it he knew he had a chance, and these gay penguins had brought each other pebbles. They were just like all other penguins, but only -- well. Gay. From the get go.

Isak was pretty sure the homosexual agenda hadn’t corrupted penguins.

Maybe, just maybe it wasn’t so. Unnatural? After all?

“Issy! What are you doing here this early?”

Shit. It was Jonas. Isak showed the stone in his pocket, turned the volume up on his headphones and slammed the locker closed. He walked away in long steps, pretending not to notice his friend waving at him. His pocket swung back and forth, hitting his thigh with every step. The first stone had been cast.


	27. Jonas - Back When

Jonas opens the conversation yet again. Isak has read his messages, but he hasn’t responded to them. Again.

_ I miss you. When can I see you again? _

_ I can’t stop thinking about you. _

_ Issy, please? We can just talk. _

_ Please tell me you’re okay. _

It’s been a week already. It feels like an eternity. It feels like the summer is going to waste when Jonas just waits. He’s missing everything, the long days in the sun, the light nights, the sweet heat he will miss again all winter. Everything just passes by and Jonas doesn’t really notice it, because he’s too focused on a name on his screen.

Or a picture.

Jonas is just about to dig it out from the subfolder of a subfolder of a subfolder, when his phone vibrates in his hand. It’s him. It’s him!

_ My place. Tonight. _

Jonas can’t believe his eyes. Isak has never let anyone come over his place. None of the guys have seen it, or any of their friends, and for a moment Jonas thinks this is a joke.

_ Bring a first aid kit and painkillers. Weed if you have any. _

If this is a joke, Jonas is not laughing.


	28. Isak - Way, Way Back

Isak was like three or four years old, when he came home from the daycare and was introduced to the most incredible thing he had seen in his short life. It was a bit scary, and a bit strange, but at the same time Isak felt a compelling desire fill his whole body. He didn’t just want this thing, he needed it. Without it his life would never be complete. Isak didn’t remember much about his childhood, but that sensation, the  _ desire _ that was stronger than any lust he had felt ever since, was something he remembered not only with his mind but his body, too.

He had never seen a stuffed animal toy bigger than himself before. And now, on that glorious moment, he was told that this one belonged to him. Isak stared at the toy, a full meter high, he looked at its shiny black plastic eyes and noticed he could see his own reflection in them. Distorted, stretched out and scrunched in at the wrong places, but it was still him. It was also the first time Isak could see himself as he sometimes felt like.

That was what he loved most about Bear. In Bear’s eyes Isak could see himself like he really was. The broken, disfigured, crippled thing, that barely passed as a person. Bear saw Isak, and let Isak see himself.

Bear was the only one in the world who knew absolutely everything about Isak. It had learned by listening to him whisper it in its soft round ears. Its fur had absorbed Isak’s tears of shame, of heartbreak, of disappointment, of humiliation. Everything. Bear knew it all, Isak had no way to hide anything from it, and it hated Isak with every fibre of its being, and that was right. That was inevitable. When you saw something wicked and wrong and corrupted, your first instinct was to destroy it.

Isak could never leave Bear. Bear knew it. It knew Isak loved it as much as he feared it, it had felt the hard-ons rut against its leg, it had heard the things Isak whispered in his heat about Jonas, before him some other boys, nameless people Isak had seen in the background of news footage or movies. It had received everything, letting the hate and disgust build up inside it, waiting, patiently, for the day when Isak would live alone with it and it could finally unleash its wrath.


	29. Even - Current Day

It would have been a lie to say Even hadn’t missed this. The way his fingertips sank into this skin. Into this flesh. I felt like he was wax in Even’s hands.

Something that Even could mold. Form. He was like clay in Even’s hands, and this wasn’t just an act of lust, but  _ creation. _

People called it  _ making _ love for a reason. Love was something that could be made, and Even did his absolute best to make some tonight. Their love had always been like it. It needed to be pulled out of them, be forced to manifest, it had to be painted on their skin in black and blue.

Even stroked softly at the bitemark on the side of his neck. He still bruised easily. Not unlike Even’s heart.


	30. Jonas - Way Back

One morning Isak wasn’t at school and didn’t answer his phone or any messages. Jonas ditched school on the first break and practically ran the whole way to Isak’s house. He climbed up the fire ladder on the wall and knocked on Isak’s window. Isak appeared there immediately, and cracked his ventilation window open. It was too small for Jonas to squeeze in through, but they could speak through it.

“Fuck off! Mom thinks I’m at school!”

“Why aren’t you?”

“I’m tired.”

Isak looked tired. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping at all, and in addition to that there was this weird aura on him. He seemed really. Scared? No, not scared.

Desperate.

“Issy, what is it? You can tell me.”

“You have to leave! If mom catches me home --”

“What, Isak? What? If your mom catches you home, then what?”

Now Isak looked just sad. His eyes made Jonas’ chest feel tight.

“I need time to come up with something to tell you. I don’t have time. You have to leave.”

Friendship was knowing when to shut up. Jonas wasn’t sure if this was one of those times, but he was in a hurry, and his arms were getting tired from hanging on the ladder.

“Just. Promise me you’re okay. Read your messages. You don’t have to text back but just. Read mine.”

“Fine. Fine! Fuck off!”

Isak closed the window. Jonas rapped on it with his fingertips. Isak glared at him but didn’t open the window.

_ I love you man, _ Jonas mouthed. Isak closed his curtains.


	31. Isak - Back When

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: domestic violence

Isak can’t move. No, let’s take that back: he  _ can _ move but it hurts so much it makes him see blobs of black and green. It feels like something is broken inside him. Still, he doesn’t worry. He has felt like this before. He knows it’s just pain. This isn’t the first time Bear has done something like this.

But this is the first time Isak got scared enough to text Jonas. He did so sitting behind the locked door in the bathroom, he texted Jonas and yelled through the door at Bear that he did so. He heard the apartment door open and slam shut, and when he peeked out - carefully, Bear has fooled him before - he didn’t see Bear anywhere. Just the bloody knife on the floor, the knife Bear held on his throat mere moments ago.

That moment Isak was sure Bear would kill him. If not now, then later. Soon. Isak is going to die young, and his death is going to be violent, and that was when he found strength within him to break free of Bear’s grip and rush in the bathroom.

God, he misses Jonas. At the same time he is scared. Because he knows that this day will be the last time he will see that man. It has to be. Jonas will want to save him from Bear, and he will never understand that he can’t.

Isak just wants to be taken care of by him for the last time. That’s too much to ask for, but Jonas has always given him just that. Too much, and not enough.

Nothing is enough.


	32. Isak - Way Back

Isak stood in the bathroom, staring in the mirror. He was looking at his Adam’s apple, too scared to look himself in the eye. Or even in the face. He didn’t want to see what he looked like when he rolled words like  _ goodbye _ in his mouth. He didn’t want to spit them out, he wanted to swallow them, keep swallowing them over and over again, but they were poisoning him. Every time he forced them back down he pushed himself closer to death.

“Issy?”

Jonas knocked on the door. Isak squeezed on the edge of the sink. The razor on the shelf under the mirror kept catching his eye.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay in there?”

Isak looked at the tip of his chin. He could see his mouth twist.

“No.”

Jonas didn’t say anything. But a moment later Isak heard some weird noise. A rattling, and clicking, and cussing.

“Ha!”

The lock opened. Jonas stepped in, holding a screwdriver in his hand. He looked a bit embarrassed. But he closed the door and locked it behind him.

“Glad to have you for myself for a bit”, Jonas said. He let the screwdriver clink into the sink. Isak’s eyes followed it, grateful for something to look at that wasn’t Jonas.

“Oh?”

Isak licked his lips quickly. Before he could stop himself. His heart was beating faster. Jonas was so close. This wasn’t a big bathroom. Isak pushed his hand in his pocket and stroked on the smooth stone. His thumb could almost feel the words set on it, the words he had to get out.

“Yeah”, Jonas said, after a long silence. “I’ve been trying to talk with you for ages. Ever since that last party.”

Isak turned his back on Jonas. He stared at the floor, his eyes wide, his nostrils flared. No. No. No.

“I mean. You look like shit, Issy. You don’t eat, you don’t seem to get any sleep, you keep skipping classes. And this all started after that party.”

“It did not”, Isak managed to peep.

Jonas sighed.

“Fine. But it’s been escalating ever since. You’re going to crash any day now, and I can’t have that.”

Now. Isak, now. Say it now, it’s the perfect moment.  _ Goodbye. _

Jonas stepped closer. Isak froze. He could feel Jonas’ breath at the back of his neck.

“Is it true?” Jonas whispered, right under Isak’s ear. “Are you in love with me?”

Isak stopped breathing. The second stretched into a minute, everything was in slow motion because Isak’s brain was on hyperdrive. But it was running around in circles.

Then again. This was perfect, right? The word refused to leave Isak’s lips, but there was something else that was desperate to be spoken, and that would have exactly the same effect.

“No”, Isak whispered. Jonas turned quiet. Really, really quiet.

“Oh?”

Isak turned around, slowly. He was sorry, but he had to have this. He had no right to, but he needed to tell this at Jonas’ face.

“I’m not in love with you. I love you. I have always loved you but something happened and now -- I love you. I can’t explain myself to you, and I’m sorry, but I --”

Jonas kissed him.


End file.
